Joy von Steiger, PHD

The first time I failed a class was in my second year of college.  In fact, my second year of college was a total disaster academically and socially.  I failed organic chemistry, was counseled by my school to withdraw from my pre-med major and my friend group was

in disarray as a result of a dorm mate’s mental health concerns.  Becoming a doctor was out of the question and my friends were all fighting. I walked across the campus of my small liberal arts school overlooking the city and thought, “What am I going to tell my parents. They’ll kill me.”  My parents had helped me pay for the first year and a half at school. I decided that I needed to tell them about my failure with a plan for the next steps and the plan should not include them paying for another potential failure.  

The thing about failing is that for a period of time it feels like everything you try from here to eternity will be a failure, particularly if you are someone who has always mastered everything easily.  Always achieving means you have no practice in failing and no practice in examining what is important to you and how to redefine your life. It is not that I was so committed to becoming a doctor, like many high achievers I picked a career that I thought would be challenging. I did not thoroughly examine my options, their costs, and the kind of life I wanted to lead. 

That afternoon I jumped into high gear, called the state school my friends were attending and where I had been accepted the year before, arranged for work study and transferred over the phone.  That night I called my parents to share the shame of my failure and my new academic plan. To my surprise, they were warm, supportive and concerned about how I was doing. They were pleased that I would be going to a school that I was excited about and paying for myself, although also clear that that wasn’t necessary.  Rather than revel in my resourcefulness, I continued to feel shame and embarrassment about my failure and didn’t tell friends that I wouldn’t be returning the next semester. My shame made the transition more difficult and a goodbye impossible. 

 That’s the other thing about failure.  We don’t accept it as an essential part of growth leaving us instead feeling shame and causing us to isolate ourselves rather than sharing our failure and getting the support of our community.  We are taught that you do everything to win, to be the best. We lose sight of the important lessons we learn in life by being mindful and present and recognizing that if one door closes another always opens.  There is an illusion of control that we foster leading to perfectionism and anxiety. When we avoid failure we do not build resilience and we don’t take risks.

Understanding your failures as an important part of the learning process is freeing, while avoiding failure can lead to many elements common to imposter syndrome. The Harvard Success-Failure Project suggests that procrastination, severe self-criticism, focus on catastrophic outcomes, avoiding sharing our work with others, perfectionism, difficulty with setbacks and continually starting over on what we are working on are all possible outcomes when avoiding failure.  The Harvard Success-Failure Project has compiled audio and video from faculty, alumni and first generation students chronicling their definitions of success and failure and offering actual letters of rejection they have received. While fear of failure may be a powerful motivator, the Project suggests nurturing your curiosity may be a more powerful and less toxic motivator. 

Dr. Adam Grant, in his opinion piece for the New York Times, cautioned that getting A’s in school does not correlate with success on the job or being a creative thinker but instead correlates more highly with conformity.  He suggested that normalizing average grades for college students allows students to take intellectual risks and negotiate failure. He ended his piece by suggesting, “Underachieving in school can prepare you to overachieve in life.”

Negotiating failure requires vulnerability and empathy, according to Aleena Ismail, the president of the Failure Project at Cornell.  Frustrated by the impossible standards set by her peers, she created this opportunity for people to share their imperfections and insecurities.  

Transferring to U Mass and majoring in psychology lead to a PhD in Clinical Psychology and ultimately to becoming the Director of a college counseling center.  I never would have imagined that path for myself as a second year college student. I am grateful to have had those experiences and to have learned to trust that I will always land on my feet.  Accepting my imperfections, rewriting my script and staying present to what life has to offer have all allowed me to embrace my own vulnerability, enriched my relationships and lead me to an incredibly rewarding career.  You never know where you will end up or the path you will take to get there.  

Bibliography

Grant, Adam. “What Straight-A Students Get Wrong.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 8 Dec. 2018, http://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/08/opinion/college-gpa-career-success.html.

“Success-Failure Project.” Harvard College Bureau of Study Counsel, bsc.harvard.edu/success-failure-project.

“The Failure Project.” The Failure Project, failureproject.org/.

Wilding, Melody J. “5 Types of Imposter Syndrome and How to Stop Them.” 5 Types of Imposter Syndrome and How to Stop Them – The Muse, The Muse, 10 May 2017, http://www.themuse.com/advice/5-different-types-of-imposter-syndrome-and-5-ways-to-battle-each-one.