Parenting is an evocative experience transporting us to other moments of tenderness and pain. Holding your five year old, you are transported back to their babyhood when you snuggled into their neck and breathed in that wonderful baby smell. For many of us, being responsible for a vulnerable being evokes memories of our own moments of helplessness. These memories may visit us as images, being awash with feelings or moments of flashbacks or depersonalization. Our moment with our child is lost and replaced with another time and place often long before their birth. Our precious relationship with our child is intruded upon by our memories which may leave us feeling anxious or consumed by a memory that we are reliving. The shame one feels over feeling powerless often leads to hiding these experiences and becoming further isolated and unable to ask for help.
Trauma induces powerlessness, fear, hopelessness and a constant state of alert, as well as feelings of shame, guilt, rage, isolation and disconnection. Seventy percent of people in the US report a traumatic event and of these people twenty percent will report PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). While not all people who experience a traumatic event will come to have PTSD, all people who develop PTSD have experienced trauma. PTSD is present when you have what’s called a “cluster of symptoms”. There are four general categories of symptoms: intrusive thoughts of the trauma, avoiding reminders of the trauma, negative thoughts and feelings about oneself or others and what are called “reactive symptoms” which could be irritability, self-destructive or risk taking behaviors, intense startle response, and difficulty sleeping or concentrating. These symptoms must be present for more than a month and can last for months or even years.
One experiences the impact of trauma when exposed to a one time event or chronic trauma as in exposure to racial trauma or early childhood abuse or neglect. How young one is when they experience their trauma, the ongoing nature of the trauma, and whether the trauma was induced by family or loved ones all contribute to the impact of the trauma. For those of us who were abused by a loved one, we are left with a sense of there being no safe place to turn to often leading to what experts now call Developmental Trauma Disorder. Each year 3,000 children are reported to authorities for abuse and 80% of those harming children are the child’s own parents. As prospective parents, we might feel that we can provide the safe space for our child that we never had. However when a parent is unable to feel safe and secure in the world, it is difficult to communicate a sense of safety and security to one’s child. In fact, the world is seen as a potentially dangerous place requiring a vigilance that non-traumatized parents don’t feel. Equally challenging is the experience of being a parent who once did feel safe in the world but because of an accident, natural disaster or combat experience no longer feels safe and instead has the experience of being robbed of safety and security. Working to create safety for oneself is an important task of parenting and will create the capacity for you to communicate that sense of safety to your child.
The stigma of having mental health concerns makes it is difficult for parents to share their experiences with others deepening the sense of isolation and helplessness. Ironically, the most powerful treatment for trauma is healing in community which can mean different things for different people. For some it is having a partner they can rely on and be open with, having a religious/spiritual community that one prays/meditates with, having a therapist, or a class for parenting after trauma. Decreasing one’s sense of isolation and creating a sense of belonging will also reduce feelings of anxiety or depression.
There is no substitute for good self care when trying to manage the aftermath of trauma. Creating a sleep routine, healthy eating, drinking lots of water, and exercise which includes walking with the stroller are all extremely important to ensure that your best coping skills can be called upon. Practicing grounding skills and having one or two favorites that you can use when you begin to get that floaty feeling that tells you that you are not quite in your body and may be being triggered. Remember that as your child approaches ages that were particularly hard for you, you will be more challenged to stay present and in the moment. Be prepared with a plan for how to deal with this and maybe find a therapist to help you through if you do not already have one.
All parents have their challenges. You are steps ahead of the crowd when you know what your own challenges are, can take care of yourself and provide yourself with what you need to be your very best parent.
Joy von Steiger, PHD 