Joy von Steiger, PHD

Photo by Azamat Zhanisov on Unsplash

It was the spring of my last year of graduate school in NY and I had just learned that I had been admitted to my first choice of programs for a clinical psychology internship, Beth Israel Hospital in Boston. Beth Israel was highly competitive and the only internship that offered a two year training program. When I saw my therapist that afternoon, I shared my news dismissing my victory with, “It’s not really a big deal.” I had a similar feeling when I found out that I was graduating number seven in my high school class, “It’s not a big deal.” In fact, in high school I remember being confused at this news, not perceiving myself to be a particularly dedicated student. That afternoon in my therapist’s office, I did realize that I was missing out on something. I was unable to take pride in myself and feel entitled to celebrate my success. Instead I was left with a flat, empty feeling. The thought was that this goal must not have been difficult to achieve if I achieved it. My classmates’ pleasure in their acceptances left me feeling on the outside. This is the paradox of imposter syndrome, the more you achieve and minimize those accomplishments, the lower your self-esteem, sense of belonging and positive mental health.

While my parent’s generation were solidly middle class, their families were working poor; farmers and millworkers. My parent’s generation were college educated but straddled the world they grew up in and the middle class life they aspired to. Food was frozen or canned, clothes were “hand me downs”, and supplies were stockpiled. Money was spent on music lessons and enrichment summer programs and camps. The dialectic in our home spoke to this struggle of not feeling like we belonged in the middle class suburb of Boston or in the low income housing where our grandparents lived.

In fifth grade social studies, Ms. Pineault taught us about class by asking students to raise their hands when she called out which social class their family fell into. As she began with poor and moved to upper class, I don’t remember which of my classmates raised their hands but I do remember not knowing in which class we belonged. When she reached upper middle class, I raised my hand prompting her to raise her eyebrows and ask if I was sure. My pants with the fabric sewn to the bottom of each leg to make them longer suggested a very different narrative. I looked like a child of working class parents but lived in a house on the lake in town. My entire family seemed confused about class. Their limbo state was transmitted to us children as we tried to discern where we fit amongst our peers. No place felt right, comfortable or authentic leading to our chronic sense of inadequacy and identity confusion.

Lacking a class or cultural anchor left us feeling out of place in most social groups and like a fraud in settings with peers most like us. We looked downtrodden but had two parents in professional careers, education and computer engineering, who expected that we would excel at anything academic. This was how they were able to effect their own class mobility. While my parents were proud of my academic accomplishments, the ease of my success left me feeling as though it was “no big deal”. My need to diminish my accomplishments was reinforced by negative attention I received from peers for using big words, a natural byproduct of the hours I spent reading on my own. Academic success can lead to bullying, so downplaying your strengths can be self-protective (Buckland, 2017). This need to disavow intellectual competency can generate a deep sense of inadequacy, depression and anxiety.

The psychologists Clance and Imes coined the term Imposter Phenomenon in 1978 after working with over 150 high achieving women. These women attributed their success to chance, were unable to absorb positive feedback, and saw themselves as unintelligent and phony; they were unable to believe in their capabilities, take pleasure in their success and feared rejection for their intellectual competencies. We have come to understand that Imposter Syndrome, as it is currently called, is not an exclusively female phenomenon and is, in fact, more common amongst high achieving men, women, and most especially ethnic minorities. A high pressure to succeed can contribute to Imposter Syndrome and negative mental health outcomes while a strong ethnic or cultural identity lowers the risk. Feeling a strong sense of community and belonging buffers one from feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness (Peteet, et al, 2015) and contributes to a sense of psychological well being.

My cultural and class confusion undercut development of a strong sense of identity and made social connections more challenging increasing susceptibility to feelings of inadequacy, incompetency and phoniness. As I moved through graduate school feeling that they admitted me by mistake and into my career, I have continued to struggle to feel competent and expert. For most of my career I was interested in writing about the human experience but felt I did not have anything important or interesting to say. As Clance and Imes originally observed, this is not simply a lack of self esteem but a trick of the thoughts, a slight of hand that convinces you even in the face of your accomplishments that you should lay low or others will discover that you are a fraud.

Perfectionism, procrastination, an intense pressure to succeed, and overworking have all been hallmarks of my particular version of this syndrome. High pressure, high stakes positions have increased the symptoms, propelling me toward a life that has been heavily weighted toward career and away from balance and calm. Prioritizing family, health and emotional wellbeing has lead me to important discernment about my competencies and my career. I think I may finally be ready to say goodbye to my Imposter Syndrome.

Buckland, Fiona. “Feeling like an Impostor? You Can Escape This Confidence-Sapping Syndrome | Fiona Buckland.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 19 Sept. 2017, www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/sep/19/fraud-impostor-syndrome-confidence-self-esteem.

Clance, Pauline Rose, and Suzanne Ament Imes. “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.” Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, vol. 15, no. 3, 1978, pp. 241–247., doi:10.1037/h0086006.

Hendriksen, Ellen. “What Is Impostor Syndrome?” Scientific American, 27 May 2015, www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-impostor-syndrome/.

Peteet, Bridgette J., et al. “Predictors of Imposter Phenomenon among Talented Ethnic Minority Undergraduate Students.” The Journal of Negro Education, vol. 84, no. 2, 2015, p. 175., doi:10.7709/jnegroeducation.84.2.0175.

“What Is Impostor Syndrome?” Quick and Dirty Tips, Savvy Psychologist, 9 July 2019, www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/medical-conditions/what-is-impostor-syndrome.

You could have what’s known as “impostor syndrome” — a feeling of inadequacy at work or in life. “How to Get over Your Impostor Syndrome.” CNNMoney, Cable News Network, money.cnn.com/2017/08/15/pf/impostor-syndrome-productivity/index.html.